I have had a lot of people tell me lately how well I am coping with everything, and that I am so positive. This is very kind, however not entirely true. Since October, life has been hard. Really hard, and the truth is I am not coping well, that is not to say I am coping badly, I am just doing what I can to get through each day at the moment because that is all I can do.

You may not think that you could cope if you were put in my shoes, or anyone with cancer for that matter, but you would because you have to.  There isn’t actually an alternative than to get on with things as best you can. Sometimes that looks like I am positive and happy, and sometimes that looks very much the opposite and I can not function for the overwhelm of negative emotions I feel. But that might not be something you ever see because being emotionally vulnerable is hard to do.  It’s not a reflection on our friendship, or our relationship – more just that the things I feel are mine and I don’t want to share then all the time.

So many  comments I have regularly comment on how well I look. Kind and well meaning, these comments are complex for me and makes me feel a lot of feelings. I am sick. Really sick, but I don’t look it, and that is a complicated  thing for me to navigate.  When I had chemo as a kid, I would have been the poster girl for childhood cancer, tiny, grey skin, no hair…. No one would argue for a second that I was ill. Whereas now,  I don’t look unwell, although I am glad I still have my hair, I am not physically in the same place as I was back then, I am still so ill, and I am learning and woking on the fact I don’t need to prove to anyone how unwell I am. 

This blog is complicated and messy, but so are my thoughts at the moment and that’s ok.

Thanks for reading