I missed a Russell Howard gig last month, because I was just to unwell. I had been looking forward to it for a while, and worst of all it was something that my partner in particular had been looking forward to, he is one of her favourites.

I wrote a post a while ago talking about things I am looking forward to, that when thins are pretty bleak, having things in the diary to look forward to can keep your spirits up, and give something to work toward. But it is just not that easy unfortunately, and I am quite poorly a lot of the time because of the chemo and so things don’t always go to plan.

I have plans coming up, and I really want them to work out, but I am not allowing myself to look forward to them, I am worried I wont be well enough when the time comes and I will be disappointed again. When we had to cancel the Russell Howard gig it brought up a lot of complex feelings.

Sad because  we missed out on what would have been a lovely time away. Angry because I so wanted to, but I couldn’t even get out of bed that day, I was angry with myself, with the cancer, with the chemo. With how bloody unfair it is.  I felt guilty, it wasn’t just me missing out, I felt frustrated with the whole situation. Every tiny thing the cancer takes from me feels like a little victory for cancer. It is a reminder how I am unwell and my life has been put on hold, that I am not able to be as spontaneous or free with plans anymore. Spontaneity  isn’t even something I could do fully anyway as a disabled person, but that’s a whole different conversation.

Just keep everything crossed, that I can go to the two things I want to.