Today, February 4^th is world cancer day. So, I thought I would talk a little bit about one of the things that make me particularly uncomfortable when the topic of cancer is brought up.

Two years of chemo as a kid, living with a disability and now another road of treatment ahead is something I have become used to, and understand it comes with the best of intentions, however language is powerful, and words are important. So here goes. 

 

When thinking about a cancer patient, often society pushes upon them labels such as “brave” “inspirational” “fight” “battle” “win” and “lose”

I would like to share my thoughts on this kind of rhetoric and why I feel it is harmful and toxic.

I think that toxic positivity is a concept that you are probably familiar with by now, but if you aren’t, it is described as avoiding or rejecting negative emotion or experiences by denying the range of emotions one may be feeling and insisting on a positive way of thinking instead. Toxic positivity is heavy within the “cancer community” I can not recall the number of times well meaning people have said I will “win this battle” or that I am “strong and brave”.

 

As I said its well meaning and comes from a good place but its not helpful and also, its not true!

An overly positive approach to what is, ultimately a sh!t situation can feel invalidating. Things are hard and no amount of positive affirmations from anyone will change that. In fact, sometimes I just want a space to complain about how rubbish my situation is, without being told I am brave or strong. It’s not fair when my life is so hard, for everyone around me to be saying I am strong brave and inspiring. That puts pressure to live up to that, then unable to act out authentic emotions, feel the real feelings that run through an individual when they have a life changing illness or condition. That is exhausting. I am not happy all of the time, and I don’t want to have to pretend I am.

I am told to stay positive, that I will get through this because I am strong, but the truth is, no one, not even the doctors can be sure of how this will go. One thing is for sure though a positive mindset won’t cure my cancer. Positive attitudes are helpful for sure, but when it comes to cancer unfortunately it’s just about if the treatment is successful or not.  Also no one, no matter what, is happy, upbeat and positive all of the time, especially not after news as life changing as “you have cancer”. I am not brave, I am not strong, I am just trying my best to get through each day as best I can. Some days that is easy and some days it is hard, but it’s unlikely you see the hard days, the hard days are hard to live through and to share.  

Lastly, I would like to talk about why calling this ‘a battle’, or ‘a fight’ with cancer is for me the most toxic and personally insulting words used when talking about cancer. To talk about it in terms of strength, fighting, winning, or losing implies that people who don’t survive a cancer diagnosis might have, if they had just “fought a little harder” or been “stronger” and this, is simply not true. To say someone lost their battle with cancer suggests that they didn’t try hard enough, even if that isn’t the intent behind it, words are powerful and consider the impact of your words when talking about illness. I have friends who have died from illness, not just cancer, and the implication that they just needed to fight a little harder or be a little stronger insults me.

You are entirely welcome to disagree with me, this is just how I feel, after 10 years of being told I am strong, inspiring and will beat this, I just ask that you consider your words. I appreciate that people are being kind, and actually probably don’t know what to say, but no amount of positive thinking, or being told how strong I am will make this cancer go away. You might be thinking now, what’s the alternative and what is the right thing to say?

Well… here is what I have found to b some of the best things friends and family have said to me.

• This is going to be hard but I am here as much as you need me to be
• If you need anything practical or emotional during this time I will help where I can

 

Or, just be there quietly you don’t have to always say anything.